


He Didn't Know

by thegreatficmaster



Series: Supernatural Collection [94]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Memories, Reader-Insert, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-09-02 02:49:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20268784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatficmaster/pseuds/thegreatficmaster
Summary: Cas reminisces on the one person he truly loved. If only he knew it at the time.





	He Didn't Know

Cas had once again saved the Winchesters.

God, he had to do so much. 

Had to lose so much for them.

But he’d do it all over again. Because they were the only family he had.

But that wasn’t always the case.

No. 

Cas once had someone else.

Someone before he had real emotions. 

Before he realized, not everything was black and white.

But he ruined that. 

He ruined it all.

_“I am sorry”._

_You shook your head, assuring him that you were fine._

_But he didn’t really seem too concerned._

_He was too preoccupied with something else._

_What? You had no idea. _

_But it was obvious he wasn’t really paying much attention to you._

_You let him pass, ignoring him and went back to the task at hand._

_It was almost two days later that you managed to track them down._

_The locals were pretty much useless._

_They…they seemed to have forgotten everything._

_How someone manages to forget a person having their eyes and brain burnt out was beyond you, especially since it happened in the middle of a diner._

_But…you assumed it was some sort of magic._

_What kind of creature this was, you had no idea._

_But you knew you were close._

_Especially when you’d seen the manor._

_God, it was huge._

_Massive. Beautiful._

_But it was defended._

_Gates and walls all around. _

_Taller than you were used to._

_But you were y/n y/l/n._

_Sure, this was a challenge._

_But you weren’t one to back away._

Cas smiled to himself, thinking about the first time he met you properly that day.

Damn, you were so…cocky. And arrogant.

But it was attractive. 

You knew your worth and that was one of the things Cas fell in love with.

If only he realized that sooner.

_You turned the corner, gun in your hand, ready for anything._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_You jumped in shock, aiming the gun as you spun around at the man who stood in front of you._

_“Who the hell are you?” you hissed, not wanting to alert the rest to your presence._

_He didn’t say anything, confusion on his face as he titled his head, squinting at you._

_“You are a hunter, correct?”_

_You nodded, not sure why you felt a sense of safety around him._

_“You need to leave. These aren’t just…monsters. You aren’t equipped to fight them”._

_You scoffed at him, finding this dude ridiculous._

_The way he spoke, the way he acted._

_He was like a confused little child, trying to act all tough._

_You simply walked away, figuring he probably wasn’t dangerous and a typical hunter, thinking he was better than everyone else._

_Suddenly, you felt a hand grab you as the world spun._

_Wind hit your face as you realized you were outside._

_How the hell did you get outside?_

_You spun back around, raising your gun again and holding it right against his heart._

_“What the hell are you?”_

_He rolled his eyes, walking past you and towards the door._

_But you weren’t about to just let him leave._

_“Stop! Right now!”_

_He did as you demanded, turning around slowly._

_“What are you?” you gritted out, terrified, but pissed._

_He grumbled, obviously pissed and annoyed._

_“I am an angel”._

_With that, he disappeared again, leaving you staring after him._

_An angel…_

He chuckled to himself, Sam and Dean too busy watching the road and mumbling amongst themselves.

God, you were so feisty when he saw you again.

You were the one who saved him.

Actually managed to save him after he went back in there and got captured by the other angels.

Cas was glad your grandmother was a witch.

It was that magic that drove the angels away.

Which included him, of course, but he managed to find you. 

To thank you for saving his life.

_“So…angel, huh? I’m assuming the others were too?”_

_He nodded, still serious, and sat beside you on the bench._

_“Thank you. For helping me”._

_You chuckled, looking at his stoic face._

_“Helping? I saved you, dude”._

_He didn’t react, which just made you smile at him._

_He was really pretty. _

_His face was stunning. _

_But he seemed distant. _

_Uncaring, even._

_But that didn’t turn you off._

_“So…you wanna thank me for saving you? It’s human etiquette”._

_He looked at you, tilting his head like he did before, looking so damn adorable._

_“It is?”_

_You nodded eagerly, crossing your legs on the bench and turning to face him._

_“Yup. If I save you, that means you have to take me out to dinner”._

_He seemed to debate with himself before he nodded._

_And that was the start of it all._

_“_Hey, Cas. You ok, man?”

Cas looked into the mirror, still smiling, but realizing he zoned out completely.

“I’m fine, Sam”.

Sam simply nodded, not really too worried right now about Cas and turned back to the road, wanting to get home quickly.

Cas’ smile remained, thinking about your first date, the second, then the third.

At the time, he was unaware of what was happening. 

That was, until you kissed him.

God, your lips were so soft. 

Your skin was soft as he held you, caressing your arms, hands, chest and stomach.

He remembered what it felt like to be inside you, on top of you, his cock buried deep in you.

God, the way you trembled around him as you both came.

But then it all went to shit.

_Cas cut the ropes, freeing your bloody body from the chair and scooped you into his arms._

_This wasn’t supposed to happen._

_They weren’t supposed to know about you._

_He thought he kept you hidden. _

_Thought he managed to make sure you were a secret._

_But they found you._

_Demons had taken you and actually managed to get the jump on you._

_He looked for almost a week, before he found you._

_There was no mercy._

_Cas smited the demons with all his strength, barely even breaking a sweat as he made his way to you._

_Once he was done with them, he walked towards you, tied to the chair, bloody and broken._

_He knew what he needed to do._

_Cas freed you and flew you back to your house._

_He settled you down on the bed, his finger touching your forehead as the cuts and bruises healed instantly, a relieved breath escaping you, before you continued to rest._

_With that, Cas flew away._

_He wasn’t going to erase your memories._

_He could. Maybe that’d make it easier._

_But that would be a dumb decision._

_Erasing your memories when the monsters still knew you existed was pointless._

_He’d let you keep these memories._

_Let you remember him. But he wouldn’t be around._

_Not if he was putting you in danger._

_Besides, you were becoming a liability now._

_If you were going to constantly get captured, Cas had to cut you loose._

_You were too dangerous for him to keep around._

_Anyone could try and use you to get to him. And he would have no weaknesses._

Cas felt the self-hate and disgust wash over himself in that moment.

You…you were the one he loved.

He didn’t know it at the time.

He barely understood human feelings. And he had no need for them then.

But now, after everything he’d been through, he realized you were the only person he’s truly loved.

Sam and Dean were like brothers. 

But you…you were special.

And he was the one who destroyed it all.

_“Cas?”_

_He said nothing, stalking towards you._

_You weren’t sure what was happening._

_He looked…blank._

_There was no light in his bright blue eyes._

_Something was wrong._

_Did he know?_

_“Yes”._

_Your heart almost burst with fear when he said that._

_How? He’d been gone for months now._

_How would he know?_

_God, you wished he’d stayed away._

_Months of wondering where he was._

_Months of trying to call for the man you found out was an angel, only for him to disappear._

_He was the hole in your heart._

_You never really loved. Not truly._

_Hunters had no time for that._

_But Cas stole your heart, claimed it for himself and you were proud to give it up._

_But then he left and you were alone._

_He was the space in your bed, the silence in your life where there was once his cute rambling, unfamiliar to humans and life on earth._

_You should’ve known not to get close to him_

_But once you realized it, it was too late._

_He’d disappeared._

_No reason. _

_No note. _

_No call. _

_No nothing. _

_He just vanished._

_You called. _

_Called his cell. _

_Called for him. _

_Prayed to him._

_But he never showed._

_He was an angel. _

_You figured God was his dad. His creator._

_They’d see each other in heaven. _

_So you prayed to God, asking him to send Castiel down to you._

_But he was never there._

_Every day, you’d see a thousand faces. _

_But his was never one of them, despite you crying out for him._

_God, you wished you knew how to get him back._

_You’d do anything to make him stay._

_To make him come back, love you. Well, maybe not love._

_Castiel was never very forthright with his feelings._

_You now realized it was because he was an angel._

_Maybe they didn’t have feelings for humans, only other angels?_

_You had no idea. But you wished he’d told you what to say, so he’d stay._

_But he was gone._

_Yet here he was now, months later, hunting you._

_Fuck, this wasn’t what you needed._

_This wasn’t supposed to happen either._

_“Cas. Listen, just…you can let me go”._

_He said nothing, holding the blade up and staring pointedly at you._

_“I can’t do that, y/n. You are dangerous. I have a mission. A job. To protect heaven. And you are a threat to us”._

_“C-Cas…please. They were evil. They were hurting people. I had to…”_

_He didn’t say anything at all, holding the blade up._

_There was a crack of lightning, the barn you were in being illuminated as Cas stared at you._

_The huge shadows of wings flashed behind Cas, stretching and ruffling._

_They were beautiful, but terrifying._

_And it was in that moment, that you knew this was the end._

_The empty stare of Cas, emotionless and uncaring._

_You were used to this side of him, but not to this extent._

_He seemed like he didn’t care at all about the months you’d spent together._

_Fuck, you shouldn’t have done it._

_You knew you never should’ve embraced your witch heritage._

_It seemed, you were more powerful than most._

_You took down angels with spells, potions and incantations._

_The grimoire you found was old magic, only useable by your bloodline._

_So you used it. _

_Used it more than you should have, until the angels knew of you._

_Instead of a simple hunter who took down a few, you were spoken of for singlehandedly taking down troops of angels._

_And it was in that moment that you became a target._

_And as Cas began advancing, his eyes cold and empty, no light in them, you accepted your fate._

_It was over within seconds._

_The piercing of your skin, followed by nothing._

Cas felt a wetness on his face as they pulled into the bunker.

He wiped his hand across it, the tear spreading over his face.

Sam and Dean didn’t notice.

It’d been a tiring hunt and they needed to wash, eat and rest.

They left Cas standing in the garage, a few silent tears rolling down his face.

He had no idea what he was doing in that moment.

He was in control of himself.

It wasn’t like with Naomi.

No. 

Cas was in total control.

He knew exactly what he was doing.

But he had no idea just what he was doing to his own heart.

He had no emotions. 

He had no…concept of anything, other than right and wrong.

It was wrong of you to kill his brothers and sisters. 

It was wrong of you, a witch, to be hunting down his own kind.

It was wrong to let a threat like you still live.

So Cas did what he thought was best.

He took your life.

It was the best thing to do.

He wasn’t going to let that nagging feeling telling him to stop, to leave you, to keep you safe instead, control him.

No. He did what he knew.

Keep heaven safe.

But he just didn’t know that he broke his own heart the second your own stopped beating.

The human emotions he developed as the years went on, the time he spent as a god, as a human, as a broken angel.

All the things he had learnt while he was with the Winchesters had made him realize too late.

He was in love with you.

From the second he met you, he was in love with you.

He just didn’t know it then. 

He didn’t know it when he was sleeping with you.

Didn’t know it when he left you. And he didn’t know it when he plunged the angel blade into you.

He wished he could go back. Wished he had the capacity for love then. Wished he knew that he needed you.

You always calmed him. Always managed to make him forget his troubles.

He just didn’t see it then.

And now he was alone.

He had Dean and Sam.

But they were always more concerned about each other.

He was their last thought.

He was no one’s first thought.

He was never anyone’s priority.

He just realized too late, that you could’ve been the one who put him first.

But he ripped that away from himself.

He ripped you away from the world.

And now, there was no light left in his life.


End file.
